How to fix a challenging relationship

I hate to tell you this, but the answer to solving a challenging relationship is going to be put entirely on you. I’m sure that you are going to say that it isn’t fair that the whole burden should be on your shoulders. But I think you will find that it really isn’t as hard as you might imagine. In many cases, you would be surprised at the answer to restoring your healthy relationship.

One of my favorite sayings is:

It’s amazing how quickly someone stops throwing the ball when you stop catching it.

Unhealthy relationships and marriages are full of “buttons”.  You have probably heard the phrase they “pushed my button”.  This means they said or did something to you that they know would upset you or make you angry.  So it is important that you find a way to stop catching the “ball” so you can stop them from throwing the “ball”.  (Them throwing the “ball” makes you want to throw the “ball” right back at them.)

They could be hurtful or lazy, won’t do anything you ask them to do.  Or communication has broken down or they just don’t “see” you anymore.

You have become full of negative emotions. Hate, anger, jealousy, sadness, fear, anxiety, dread, sorrow and grief.  Grief for what you once had and now is gone.

Now comes the kicker

What is the one thing that has caused all of these negative emotions to grow in you?  What is the one thing that keeps you from overcoming the problems in the relationship?  SELF-PITY.  Some call it wallowing in “self-pity”.  I know what you’re going to say, “I don’t wallow in self-pity” and I would say if you are experiencing any of the above negative emotions then “self-pity” is exactly what you are experiencing, maybe not excessively like the definition says but enough to cause the negative emotions.

Think about it…

Hate, anger – Someone has done something mean to ME.

Jealously – I don’t have what the other person has. (Envy)

Sadness, fear, anxiety, dread, sorrow, grief are all because something has been done to YOU.

You are the one who is living it, they aren’t

Sure, someone may have instigated it by doing something to you, but you are the one who is living it, they aren’t.

You see, that’s the key. When you realize that the only way that someone can hurt you is if you let them, then you can stop being hurt.

How you change yourself so they don’t hurt you

OK, sounds good, but how do you change yourself so you don’t “let them hurt you”?  You need to train your mind to react differently and the words “self-pity” are the way you do it.

Every time something is done to you, tell yourself “stop wallowing in self-pity”.  Oh, in the beginning, you will not want to stop feeling the self-pity because there is comfort in it.  You will say to yourself, “but I want to feel sorry for myself, I deserve it because I was harmed”.   But now that you know why you are feeling hurt and how you can change it, soon you will not be able to continue the “wallowing in self-pity”. You will get over the hurt quicker and quicker until whenever someone tries to hurt you it won’t bother you at all.

Put the words “self-pity” everywhere you can think of

Put the words “self-pity” everywhere you can think of. Program it into your phone or tablet as a constant reminder not to feel sorry for yourself in the event that a relationship problem occurs.

Once your eyes have been opened to the fact that your wallowing is an internal problem, which you yourself can overcome, the ability for marriage issues or other relationship challenges to hurt you will be nullified. Your spouse or significant other, or anyone else you have to deal with will no longer have power over you.  Your confidence will grow because you will feel more in control of your relationships rather than always reacting to what others do.  The change in your attitude will cause the other person to reflect on their own attitude. If they like the change in you, they will want to be with you more.  If they don’t like the change well…

Hopefully, there is still love and respect (depending on the situation), it should become a more balanced relationship with more sharing and peace. Communication without hostility will allow a better chance of reconciliation.